Tom Waits assumes the voice of a carnival barker in this polemic about advertising and commercialism. “Step right up” is a phrase these hucksters would often use to lure crowds into attractions, promising a life-altering viewing that would inevitably disappoint. Most of us learn early that what’s promised never lives up to the hype, but some people just keep handing over their money, hoping the Fiji Mermaid will be a glorious creature, only to find it’s a stuffed monkey with a fishtail sewed on.
Step Right Up is a clever novelty song that Tom released during his beatnik phase. Through the improvisational nature of the lyrics, the song showcases Waits’ unique delivery and sense of humor. You could perform it at a comedy festival and it would fit right in.
Step Right Up is the second song to appear here from his 1976 album Small Change after his previous entry Pasties and a G-String (At The Two O’Clock Club). That song also has a lyrical style that owed influence to Charles Bukowski as well as a vocal delivery influenced by Louis Armstrong, Dr. John and Howlin’ Wolf.
The following was extracted from the Wikipedia reference below:
Small Change received critical reviews equal to or better than Waits’ previous three albums, and was at first a surprise commercial success, rising to No 89 on the Billboard chart.
When asked in an interview with Mojo in 1999 if he shared many fans’ view that Small Change was the crowning moment of his “beatnik-glory-meets-Hollywood-noir period” (i.e. from 1973 to 1980), Waits replied:
Well, gee. I’d say there’s probably more songs off that record that I continued to play on the road, and that endured. Some songs you may write and record but you never sing them again. Others you sing em every night and try and figure out what they mean. “Tom Traubert’s Blues” was certainly one of those songs I continued to sing, and in fact, close my show with
In 1995 a tribute album to Tom Waits was released called Step Right Up: The Songs of Tom Waits. The songs are performed by various artists.
Step right up, step right up, step right up
Everyone’s a winner, bargains galore
That’s right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on
One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar
We got service after sales
How about perfume? We got perfume
How about an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady
Something for the little lady
Something for the little lady hmm
Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got our white sale
And smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you’re tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go
Going out of business, going out of business, going out of business sale
Fifty percent off original retail price
Skip the middle man
Don’t settle for less
How do we do it? How do we do it?
Volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you’ve heard it advertised, don’t hesitate
Don’t be caught with your drawers down
Don’t be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up
That’s right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices
Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
It gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza and it lengthens and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that’s been at large
Under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it’s only a dollar, step right up
It’s only a dollar, step right up
And its forging your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up
Please allow thirty days for delivery
Don’t be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it, live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that’s right
And it entertains visiting relatives
It turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy
Get rid of your wife and it walks your dog
And it doubles on sax, doubles on sax
You can jump back, Jack
See you later, alligator, see you later, alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts. it quits smoking
It’s a friend and it’s a companion
And it’s the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions, it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust thighs, chin, midriff
Gives you dandruff and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company, free, take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it’s a friend and it’s a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler’s checks
It’s new, it’s improved, it’s old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business
Never needs winding, never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of psoriasis
Christ you don’t know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy
C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon
‘Cause it’s effective, it’s defective, it creates household odors
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It’s a redeemable coupon, no obligation
No salesman will visit your home
We got a jackpot jackpot jackpot
Prizes prizes prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it? How do we do it?
How do we do it? How do we do it?
We need your business
We’re going out of business
We’ll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale
Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions
Batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it, buddy, the large print giveth and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up
You can step right up, c’mon step right up
Get away from me, kid, you bother me
Step right up, step right up, step right up
C’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon c’mon
Step right up, you can step right up
C’mon and step right up
C’mon and step right up
In 1988, Frito-Lay hired a Tom Waits imitator named Stephen Carter to voice a radio commercial for SalsaRio Doritos in the style of this song. Waits was furious when he heard it. The commercial really did sound like him and gave the impression that he endorsed it, which would be a complete reversal of what he stands for and espouses in “Step Right Up.” He filed suit for false endorsement and misappropriation, and won a $2.6 million judgment. Frito-Lay appealed, but in 1992 the verdict was upheld. Carter, the man who impersonated Waits in the commercial, testified on Tom’s behalf.
References:
1. Small Change (Tom Waits album) – Wikipedia
2. Step Right Up – Songfacts
“The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know.”- Michel Legrand
Observation Blogger 
I think the song works well for what it is, which is a cynical take on advertising and commercialism. I still only have heard very few songs by Tom Waits. In general, I think his rough vocals can be a tough proposition. That said, I like “Downtown Train,” which I first knew because of Rod Stewart’s rendition.
I find it a clever song and it makes me giggle when I hear it on the odd occasion. His manner of delivery adds so much to the ‘huckster’ role.
I’ve listened to more Tom Waits in the past year than I have in my life. When I found his first album a little while back it was a great find. Why? Because I could see him progress into what he is now….which is great.
Can you imagine having to remember these lyrics for a live version? haha I don’t envy him.